the other day.

Well, maybe it was yesterday? But I swear (it took me three tries to text swear because my nails are too long) it was monday. My mom texted me and asked me “What do you do for peace? Do you have something that you do to center yourself?” I really had to think about it, and I was sad to realize that the answer was no. There’s nothing that I really do for me. I think almost everyone in my life has something that they use to turn the world off. Sean has fishing. My god mother has her piano. Sean’s mom trains dogs. Me? I have nothing.

My days are always the same. I got to work, I come home from work. I cook, or I clean. Some days Sean does those things, and I sit to myself before we eat dinner. We watch tv, we get in bed, we read and not pay attention to each other til we fall asleep. On the weekend, we play music at night and on Monday things go back to the beginning. For the past few weeks we’ve been out doing things: Cape May, family visits, movies and beer fests. I am getting so tired of my days.

My mom is right. I need something to do that keeps my brain quiet. Something that I can use that centers me. I need a time in my life where what I’m doing is for me. I need something that is JUST for me. Maybe this sounds depressing, but most of my days are running together and it’s just….I don’t really have the words for it. I have no real money to devote to anything. I actually have no real time to devote to anything. Wednesdays is band practice. Fridays, and Saturdays are days I’m playing music. Sundays are band practice. And on the days in between, I’m trying to be with my husband, who, for the most part, would rather be on his iPad or on his phone than spend any real time with me. Or I’m trying to sleep. And eat regularly. It’s all getting so exhausting.

Some days, and maybe not for the reasons you may think, I miss being single. The worst part was living at home but I was never there anyways. No tethers. Nothing dictating my day besides my work schedule. I was free to do whatever, free to go wherever. I was untethered. If I wanted to take yoga, I had the time and money. If I wanted to go out, I had the time and money. Everything now is work, bills, responsibilities, “can’t do this,” and so on.

The problem with needing something like that in my life is I have no idea what I want. I like things for a few weeks or months, then I stop doing it. I either get lazy, or I run out of motivation to do it, or whatever. I can’t stick to one thing. Or maybe it’s because I’m not really interested in those things. Maybe I haven’t unlocked my passion yet. I’ve tried countless things.

I wonder if I’m just unhappy, and despite my life, my husband, my job, the band I’m in, I can’t find a single thing that’s keeping me tethered here. Or maybe I’m unhappy because those things are tethering me here.

I just know I’m unhappy.

Bry Watches The Wolverine

Did these men just stab themselves because they knew they were gonna die anyways? What a sad existence.

No baby, don’t keep staring at it. That’s coming for you. Now run, idiot.

Ugh I know Wolverine can heal himself but I have a hard time. His skin was burnt off! It literally all grew back.

Oh boy. Not again. She’s dead.

Oh yeah, that’s right. This is set after Origins. Or is it? No, it’s set after X3, Jean is dead.

Eww. Nasty hunting men.

Big foot!

Oh no. Did they kill his buddy the bear ğŸ˜ž

Oh my. Logan is still Logan, apparently. LOLOLOLOL WHISKY IN THE WOUND.

So she’s a pre-cog, then? I like her hair.

Yikes her car is grossssssss.

“Things to do?” Things like what???

That hair says you’re in pain, boo. That beard. Those nightmares.

I wonder if his accelerated healing also includes his liver and how fast liquor is…idk the word…burnt out of his bloodstream? Like can he get drunk?

Ah, so she’s also his granddaughter. (Edit, ah, that kinda granddaughter.)

Jesus they couldn’t use a wash cloth? Loofa?

The HELL is he sitting on?

Oh, I get it. That asian kid is the same guy from back in the day.

So…from him to Yukio?

I do not like or trust that doctor.

I KNEW I didn’t trust that bitch.

I bet the person no one should be trusting is Yashida’s son. Shingen.

Sniperssssssssss

No need to be a little shit.

I knew it. That bitch starting sapping away his ability to heal.

How is he even running? He has a shotgun wound and took one to the shoulder.

What’s Kuzuri…Yashida said that too when Logan was walking away from him.

Did he just yell gaijin?

No don’t let her leave.

Hmm. Yukio is staring at a bunch of them awfully hard. That means some of them are involved. I bet it’s Shingen. Hell, it might even be Mariko’s fiancee.

Does that mean his hands aren’t healing either? That’s gotta sting.

This whole scene is WILDLY unrealistic.

“She’s asking if we prefer the dungeon…the nurse’s office…or the mission to mars.” 😂🤣😂🤣

OMG they chose mission to mars.

Jean Grey is so pretty I love her red hair.

That’s a nice wig she has on. But it’s very obvious.

How are they paying for trains and love hotels and tram cars?

Awww how sweet. I mean, a bit of a dig because it’s probably supposed to go to her father as next in line. But he probably realized Shingen is a dick.

Does her father want to find her because that’s his daughter…or is it because she’s valuable?

Isn’t he nursing gun shot wounds? He’s not supposed to be doing heavy labor, lol. He should be resting and trying to heal, not chopping trees.

Ah. The place where he saved her father.

Oh c’mon. Is this really necessary?

What kinda parent tells her young kid who has nightmares to go back to bed and face your fears?

Man those floor beds are for the birds, that doesn’t look comfortable.

OOOOh i see skanks.

he’s lucky he survived.

yikes they’re deadly quiet.

yikes he’s crazy.

I’m sure he’s about to come back to life.

welp, if Yukio left a few mins after he did then she should be there soon to help save his life. Aannnddd there she is.

Pull your skin off on that injury, bitch!

omg he’s in there i knew it!

oop here comes mariko. hell hath no fury..

did he suck his healing back into his body after he took it lol?

They couldn’t get Jean Grey a better wig?

He’s finally coming to terms with what he did.

She gave her that look like “I’ll be on the plane.”

Damn. No healing. No adamantium claws.

SATC: Season 1, Episode 1

Can you tell I’m obsessed? I needed some background music while I ate my lunch. Yes, lunch at 3:14 in the afternoon. My boss came in around 11:45 and didn’t leave until a few mins ago.

So, the first ep of Sex and the City. Starts with Carrie telling a story about an English journalist (Elizabeth) who came to NYC and met a very expensive man (Tim). They clicked instantly at a gallery opening (SO 90’S) and spent the next TWO WEEKS canoodling, going to romantic restaurants, sharing intimate secrets, and having wonderful sex. I can’t even talk about that yet. Apparently, they go see a townhouse in NYC.

Realtor: “Do you have any children?”
Tim: “Not yet.”

Not yet? What? You’ve known each other for two weeks. Do you even know each other’s middle names?! Then he asks “do you wanna meet my parents on tuesday?” Of course, on Tuesday, he gives her the slip, saying his mother is sick, can i get a rain check? Never calls back, of course. This is when we finally see Carrie for the first time, while Elizabeth is mourning her loss over coffee.

“I don’t understand. In England, looking at houses together would’ve meant something.”

Girl, bye. You had a beautiful relationship with some man for two weeks and that would’ve meant something? Not to take from another episode, but “I’ve had pairs of panty hose longer.”

Side note, Carrie’s apartment is different from her studio she has for the rest of the season. Another side note: In the first few episodes, Carrie talks to the camera and routinely and I wish they kept that in the show.

This is when Miranda starts to get on my nerves. Skipper talks about how if you’re not completely gorgeous you can still be an interesting person. And then Miranda goes off on some tangent about how she’s either not totally beautiful and interesting or she’s gorgeous and boring. Like girl shut up.

I’ve always admired Samantha. Her “deluded self-confidence” is what all women should have. She has sex without attachments and has a very successful career. Also, she looks so much prettier with longer hair. I still never understand why they named him Mr. Big, but at least that’s been his name the entire time. I don’t think you know that his name is John until the movie comes out.

Sometimes I watch that scene of Samantha when she’s making out with Capote and he says you can’t stay I have to wake up early, and she almost looks upset, but I can never be sure. I’ll end with a quote.

Carrie: “Have you ever been in love?”
Big: “Abso-fuckin-lutely.”

This Weekend

Wayyyyy too much happened this weekend. I feel like I’m still catching up on my damn sleep and I wanna take a nap at my desk.

Friday I played music from 7-9. But after wards, we were hell bent on seeing this new brewery that we wanted to get booked in. (Side note, Broken Goblet has tasty ass beer). We walk in and theres this guy up there named…Andrew? Nope. Checked my insta. It’s Jason Ager. Cool ass voice. Looks like a lumberjack that can sing. We stayed till the end of his set. That was at like…12? 12ish? Then, because we told someone ELSE we’d come see them play, we headed over to Dog and Bull (regular place we play, good beer good food) and watch this guy. He played til 1. By this time, I’m falling asleep in my chair. But I put on a brave face because i can’t always be a wet blanket. We got home by 2, I’m falling asleep at the wheel I’m so tired.

Saturday during the morning I think was pretty normal. We made pasta and headed to our singer friend Eryn’s (and her fab fiancee) house in offing Holmdel, NJ. Thats about 1.5 hours from comfy Collingswood. By this time I have a headache that won’t quit. But again, I put on a brave face because I love Eryn and I finally got to hang out with her and her mans (Anthony Marantino voice) when they aren’t playing on stage. We ate homemade pasta with red sauce and some tasty meatballs that I surely don’t know the name of but I thought they were vegetarian (Eryn doesn’t eat meat). Then Matt starts bringing out all the fun shit. And by fun shit, I don’t mean board games. I mean blow dart guns, compact bows, big ass bb guns, and this cool gun that had an air tank. Little baby 45. I shot all of these things, btw. I had on my bad ass assassin pants (really just black leggings with leather panels on the sides) and I felt like an actual assassin. Actually wait I didn’t shoot the compact bow. But I watched! We stayed there and did shenanigans til 1 (BIG ASS YAWN WITH A HEADACHE). At least this time I didn’t have to drive but poor sean was a trooper, I fell asleep like 4 times. Got home at 2:30, I was asleep in 10 minutes lol.

Sunday was chill. Sean’s crazy ass woke up at like…5? 4:45? To go kayak fishing with his buddy. Me? I lazed all day. Some on the couch, some on my bed. I got up to cook at like 8 or something.

I went to lunch with my boo thang Amanda yesterday. Woke up at 7 (work alarms on my day off meh) and…well, I did nothing. Well, I programmed the antenna for my bedroom tv. And I pained my toes.

After all of the going to bed late and consuming much wine and beer this weekend, my body is STILL trying to catch up, even with the extra day off. I may only be 25 (26 in March!), but I’m too old for that shit, I do NOT bounce back any more. I’m trying to be in bed by 10, 11 at the latest. But I still love going out 🤔. How to balance such a problem lol.

xoxo

So I’m watching Sex and the City Part 2

Oh and let me just start this off with I have seen every single episode of Sex and the City. And both movies. Actually, I own both movies on iTunes. So they aren’t new to me lol.

But in this episode in Season 4, Charlotte and Trey have decided to get a divorce, and Carrie and Aidan (Aiden?) have broken up as well. Carrie has to buy her apartment back from Aiden (Aidan?) because he bought it for them to live in. Meanwhile, Charlotte is contemplating on whether or not to keep her ring or turn into into another piece of jewelry.

“These were my baguettes. Because it turned out my husband was a fag-ette, now they’re earrings. But he had good taste.”

She decided she wasn’t ready for it.

“Just don’t take it to the gypsies next door!’

Aiden (Aidan?) told Carrie before he walked out that he wanted her to have the ring as she told him it was on the cloud (clown? probs not, she hates clowns. “there’s nothing scarier…than a clown.”) table. I was like, first of all, he’s a little dumb. That ring looked like AT LEAST 1.5-2 carats on a gorgeous solitaire setting, it was obviously expensive. Had he even finished paying it off yet? Second, on the other hand, I would’ve kept it. Then, she wouldn’t have had to ask many a person for a loan for her apartment. Then, while shopping for comfortable shoes with Miranda, she realizes that she has about 100 pairs of shoes, that were around 400 each. She has spent 40k on shoes alone. FORTY THOUSAND DOLLARS.

“Water, water, everywhere, and not a drop to drink.”

Charlotte is kind enough (after Carrie decided to go to her apartment and yell at her about not offering money after Miranda and Samantha offered to help her with her down payment) to give Carrie her ring as exchange for a down payment because she didn’t want to be attached to it anymore. Big also offered her money, which I would’ve taken. Big’s loaded, he wouldn’t miss the loan anyways lol.

“These shoes pinch my feet. But I love them.”

So I’m watching Sex and the City at work..

And in the season finale of season 3, Miranda and Carrie are walking down the street talking and they see their ex-boyfriends eating at a restaurant in the direction they’re walking in. They flee to an open doorway of an apartment building, saying their only two options are to run the other way or they move into that building.

“we can’t run. these shoe straps will break.”

I’m like, there’s a third option, girls. They could’ve easily walked across the street! Like, you run across the street, then when you pass the bar, you go back across the street lol.

On another note, Carries outfit (minus those shoes, I HATE some of her shoes) in the scene where her and Miranda have a fight is gorge. I love that outfit.

Honorable quotes:

“Samantha always got her way with men. Even if they are half-woman.”
“I said get that thing outta my ass or I’m gonna shit on it!”
“Destiny. China. Jo. No e, she got the e cut off.”
“Because sweet friend: You and I…are like that red wall. It’s a good idea in theory, but somehow…it doesn’t quite work.”
“Who wants a wiener? “Girl, I’m trying to get rid of one”
“I’m way past a flirtini, I need a fuck-tini!”

Did I mention, I’m bad at WordPress?

One of these days I’ll be responsible with my shit lol. I’m still at my office job, gotten much better at it. I even got a raise after a year, and paid vacation time (two weeks!). Sean and I have managed not to kill each other for…almost two and a half years. I’ve become obsessed with tea, I’ve gained probably ten pounds, and life is quite normal.

I don’t even remember why I decided to do this post in the first place. But I do know I’m failing to do my work today.

In other news. My favorite two cartoons as a kid were Sailor Moon (the American version) and Cardcaptors (also the American version, not to be confused with the original Cardcaptor Sakura). I found a place to watch both shows, which is overly exciting because I haven’t seen either since I was a kid and now when I come home I have something else to do besides whine about Sean playing his stupid video games (I’ll get to THAT later lol).

Sean has now fallen into the rhythm of coming home from work and playing his PlayStation to unwind from his day. I honestly have no idea where it all came from, his playing almost every day of the week. He used to come home and cook, or do dishes like I used to when I was home first. Now it’s all about the PlayStation. I had to tell myself that it’s perfectly okay for him to play and I shouldn’t be so annoyed about it. I still get annoyed about it when I have to come home and see a nasty ass kitchen, but I realized that all I have to do is communicate lol. I’m starting to get over it though, because we all have various ways of unwinding after being in the office. Mine usually is cooking or doing the dishes, because I hate having to look at them when I come home. But he’s gotten better at it, and doesn’t play all the time. And sometimes if he wants to spend time with me he just logs off shortly after I arrive home which is sweet. But I understand why he feels like he shouldn’t play because we’ve gotten into arguments about it where I bitch to him about it. Then there are days where I’m like “If you wanna play then just play, I’ll find something else to do.” I keep flip-flopping. But then I realized if I find something else to do I actually care much less.

I’m trying to be better about just being nicer when I’m angry at him. I want to be better at communication general. We’ve been through a lot the past year. Counseling, fights at Wells Fargo Center (and Lincoln Financial Field), and me thinking that maybe we aren’t meant to be together because we aren’t that compatible. I still think that a lot, when we get into fights. And I don’t think it’s me copping out. I think it’s me sensing how good we are when we’re good. But how bad it can get when it’s bad. I don’t know. Only time will tell.

Now I have to go back to work, if i expect to finish by 4 to clean the office and leave by 5.

xoxo