Update time!!!

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I AM ENGAGED!!! As of December 10, I am now a fiancée. It’s amazing. And I can’t wait to start planning. I took those photos because I couldn’t stop staring at my ring.

I am still on the hunt for a new car, though. I’m so sad I have to replace my baby Baron. And the kids insurance company that compensated me for my car can pretty much can kiss my ass. They gave me little to no money for my car and I can barely afford to get a new one. I’m very stressed out about it all.

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A New Attitude

I’ve started doing something new lately. There are days when I get up and I feel ugly, my hair looks disgusting, and it’s bleary out. But on those days, when I go outside, I put myself in a certain frame of mind. Usually these are days when I have on my ass-kicking combat boots that jingle when I walk. So this is what I do. I step outta my car, put my hands in my pockets (or, I let them swing, you’ll see in a minute), and I tell myself this:

“You are Adriana Lima. All eyes are on you. Strut your shit like you’re the prettiest thing walking and you’re on the runway.”

And you know what? It works every time. I feel empowered. I feel bad ass. And I feel like I can take on whatever happens next. I’m not sure why but it does. And I chose Adriana Lima because she’s Queen Bee to me. And if I could ever embody anyone’s fierce attitude, it would be hers. Sometimes I feel like I need to remember that I’m the shit.

Playing Catch-up.

So, I have not posted anything since the 20th of November. In the span of time between the 20th of November, a lot has happened. I spoke to my professor (English Literature, by the way) after class and he said I was allowed to stay in the course. I argued my side well. Beside my absences, I have an 85 in the class. And I told him that. My assignments were always turned in, I participated in class, and I even volunteered to read. And then after that, I banged out a kick ass presentation with my group.

However, last Tuesday, I was rear-ended turning into my mechanic’s parking lot and my poor car is totaled. I’m very sad. I just bought my car two, maybe three months ago. I was just getting used to my car. Just starting to enjoy it. I was going to him to get my oil changed but Christ on toast, that’s one big price difference. My bumper was being dragged on route 38. My trunk won’t close. It’s rammed open now.  I was so shaken up after wards, I almost cried. I also almost killed the kid (and when I say kid, I mean it. He couldn’t have been any more than 19) who hit me, too. But I won’t get into that. So now, my insurance is working with his, they sent out an appraiser to look at my car, and hopefully soon, I’ll be getting a rental car. I can’t deal with sharing a car much longer, it’s annoying, I’m not used to being this dependent on anyone else. I also don’t like it, either. Working and going to  school and having to work around someone else’s full time work and school schedule is exhausting. Not to mention my job is mentally exhausting. That part of my life isn’t fun at all.

Not to mention, I feel like he’s the only one actually supporting us. I feel like I don’t make any money. I know that I do. I make 14.45 an hour. But I only work 20-25 hours a week. Yes, I know my job is a dream job. But I miss having money in my pocket all the time. I miss being able to help him pay bills. I miss being able to contribute. I don’t like that I’m putting things on a credit card right now because I don’t have any money. He gives me money for lunch, when I take his car, he gives me gas money, and when I say I can’t afford something or that I have no money, he starts digging in his wallet. I don’t want to have to take his money. I don’t want him to have to support me 75% of the time. This is where that malign feeling towards dependence on another person comes in. I hate it so much. And I just want to be stable for myself. But now with my car totaled, Sean’s birthday coming up, and Christmas around the corner, I don’t know when that’s gonna happen. And it makes me want to curl up into a ball.

I bought Sean’s Christmas gift, I can’t wait to give it to him. I would say what it is but he peeks on here sometimes so I dare not. I’m not sure what he’s getting me for Christmas, I only know that for the first time ever, my gift was more expensive than his. But apparently, I have like 10 gifts. Which I don’t believe whatsoever. I know what I hope it will be, and what it isn’t, but I haven’t a clue as to what it is.

Speaking of Sean, I think I have some ill-feelings that I didn’t really want to admit to. I normally don’t have a problem with ex-girlfriends. Okay, maybe I do, and  I just don’t say anything. Sean has an ex that he was with for 8 years. I know that sounds like a stretch, me being 22, but Sean will be 30 in five days. So an 8-year relationship makes plenty of sense. They did their thing, didn’t work out, blasè blah. He even has a tattoo of her name on his foot. Which, I think is adorable, I won’t even lie about that. It doesn’t bother me. But here’s what does. They still talk. They keep up on facebook, they text each other. And while I know there is nothing going on between them, I still don’t like it. Because if Sean even thinks that I have a male friend that possibly likes me or he thinks is inappropriate, he says something about it. He’s not a jealous guy. But he has this way of saying things that makes me feel like he thinks I’m unfaithful to him, and I’m anything but that. He always jokes around that I’m “going to see another boyfriend,” or that I should “tell my other boyfriends to stop texting me.” I know he’s kidding but I don’t think it’s fair that he can make every comment under the sun about me possibly having guy friends and this and that about men when it concerns me but he can be friends with his 8-year long relationship ex-girlfriend and they can talk about me and whatever else they talk about. Personally I don’t think it’s fair but I don’t wanna say anything about it because that makes me sound like a nagging girlfriend. But it’s annoying. And yes, I’m jealous sometimes. I’m a stingy bitch, and I like to make it clear that what’s mine is mine. But I keep that under the surface. Because, well, Sean’s a grown man. And to him, what does that make me sound like?