Well, maybe it was yesterday? But I swear (it took me three tries to text swear because my nails are too long) it was monday. My mom texted me and asked me “What do you do for peace? Do you have something that you do to center yourself?” I really had to think about it, and I was sad to realize that the answer was no. There’s nothing that I really do for me. I think almost everyone in my life has something that they use to turn the world off. Sean has fishing. My god mother has her piano. Sean’s mom trains dogs. Me? I have nothing.
My days are always the same. I got to work, I come home from work. I cook, or I clean. Some days Sean does those things, and I sit to myself before we eat dinner. We watch tv, we get in bed, we read and not pay attention to each other til we fall asleep. On the weekend, we play music at night and on Monday things go back to the beginning. For the past few weeks we’ve been out doing things: Cape May, family visits, movies and beer fests. I am getting so tired of my days.
My mom is right. I need something to do that keeps my brain quiet. Something that I can use that centers me. I need a time in my life where what I’m doing is for me. I need something that is JUST for me. Maybe this sounds depressing, but most of my days are running together and it’s just….I don’t really have the words for it. I have no real money to devote to anything. I actually have no real time to devote to anything. Wednesdays is band practice. Fridays, and Saturdays are days I’m playing music. Sundays are band practice. And on the days in between, I’m trying to be with my husband, who, for the most part, would rather be on his iPad or on his phone than spend any real time with me. Or I’m trying to sleep. And eat regularly. It’s all getting so exhausting.
Some days, and maybe not for the reasons you may think, I miss being single. The worst part was living at home but I was never there anyways. No tethers. Nothing dictating my day besides my work schedule. I was free to do whatever, free to go wherever. I was untethered. If I wanted to take yoga, I had the time and money. If I wanted to go out, I had the time and money. Everything now is work, bills, responsibilities, “can’t do this,” and so on.
The problem with needing something like that in my life is I have no idea what I want. I like things for a few weeks or months, then I stop doing it. I either get lazy, or I run out of motivation to do it, or whatever. I can’t stick to one thing. Or maybe it’s because I’m not really interested in those things. Maybe I haven’t unlocked my passion yet. I’ve tried countless things.
I wonder if I’m just unhappy, and despite my life, my husband, my job, the band I’m in, I can’t find a single thing that’s keeping me tethered here. Or maybe I’m unhappy because those things are tethering me here.
I just know I’m unhappy.